I had big plans to clear out my drafts folder and post a ton of stuff that I've been working on for a while but haven't finished and/or polished. Unfortunately, the summer hasn't exactly turned out like I thought it would.
I failed to post about the Canada Day festivities at Kin Coulee Park. We didn't attend as we had some friends over for a barbecue instead. I find that I'm avoiding crowds these days, as well as the awkwardness of conversation with acquaintances. There are so many questions for which I have no answers. For a while I withdrew from Twitter, my blog and even posting on Facebook, as well as attending real life events, because I was sad and wanted to be alone, and because it seems disrespectful and irreverent to go on with my life when the lives of so many in my family have been destroyed. This unfathomable tragedy affects not only Amy's family, but the community as well, and I've had many people tell me how uneasy it has made them. The illusion of safety in our small city has been shattered. I've found myself to be more fearful and wary of strangers and situations than I've ever been before. And I'm naturally an overly cautious, distrustful, and paranoid person, so that's telling you something. I've lost my confidence in the safety of my community and much of my faith in humanity. It has made me feel small and helpless, and I've been closing off to the world as a means of self-preservation.
It's hard to explain the feeling I have about Amy's disappearance. My mind cannot, will not, accept this situation. Thinking and knowing that Amy is gone, to who-knows-where by an unknown hand, is like trying to grab a slippery, silvery fish as it darts around in a glinting bucket of water. It is too fast and slick for my mind to grasp. I'm left with this feeling of waiting for... I-don't-know-what: Answers? Justice? Normality? None of them will replace what has been lost.